my cat died. she would have been 17 in march. i picked her out of a cardboard box at my brother's little league game when i was 4 years old.

she'd been slowing way down for years, and in the last few months she'd lost a lot of her control over her bladder. and in the last week she wasn't really able to move her back legs, so she was urinating on herself and on the couch a lot.

my mom called me saturday to tell me it was probably time to let her go. when i was over at their house on sunday, i sat next to her and cried a little. but i still wasn't ready to say goodbye.

we were supposed to take her in on monday, but couldn't get an appointment. so we scheduled one for tuesday evening. monday night, i went by my parent's house again and held her for a long time. she barely moved. it was really sad.

tuesday morning my mom called to let me know she'd passed away in her sleep the night before. i'm so glad i went over to say goodbye. and while i'm all for putting pets down when they're in pain, i'm really glad we didn't have to take her to the vet because she hated the vet.

we buried her in the yard last night, in the japanese anenomes under the tulip tree. she was always trying to get outside to chase leaves. now she'll always have some with her.

i wrote her a 4 page letter and we buried it with her. i know it sounds silly since she's a cat and can't read, but she has been my best friend my entire life and i am going to miss her so much.

happy new year everyone.

http://www.panasonic.co.jp/olympic/movies/movies09.html

you do.

well. eventful-ish weekend.

thursday (which isn't part of the weekend, i know, but deserves to be included because something remotely interesting happened) i went to the california culinary academy with my culinary class. were surrounded by over 200 scary red hat ladies, one of whom has a crush on james. it was horrible, horrible i say! though we did get to hear all about the inner workings of their evil society... desserts were awesome. was quite excited to see my future. er, eat it. then we went to the gap's corporate headquarters cuz chef's got connections and we got to see all sorts of insanely priced works of modern art, private collection of the fishers. (who own the gap, old navy, and banana republic). and we got free rice krispy treats. but mine only had four frikkin mnms. and no marshmallows. i so got jipped.

friday night, kristen came over and we had Hot Guy Education Night which mostly proved to us that no one on this earth is really capable of being completely faithful. it seemed to be the theme for the night. quite depressing, really. stayed up till like 6:30 i think it was then fell asleep for an hour till her parents came. slept a bit after she left, but didn't have much time cuz...

saturday, i worked at a quinceanera with my cooking group (GROUP 1 POWER!) which was helluv aweosme. we didn't stop for 7 hours solid, and my feet were killing me- largely in part to my sock-chafed-toes -but it was a good time.

sunday, steph, james and i (dude, culinary weekend or what?) went to berkeley and steph got her ear pierced. what were they again... her rook and her what??? well, you know. different parts of her cartialage. which i can't spell. and i got this awesome picture right as the needle was going through i'm quite proud. and we made friends with the guy who owns the place! (they also do tatoos- Zebra on telegraph) apparently, he lives on lavender drive. how random is that!? that's across the street from steph and up the street from me! so he started calling us his friends and gave us drinks and free pins lol.

then, after finally figuring out that we were in BERKELEY not OAKLAND, the guys came to pick us up. went to the allegro and danced the night away... well, two hours of it anyway. so. much. fun. i love that place. and it was so much better being there with gus. i didn't even dance with anyone else. well, i did dance with george one 1/2 times but it was mostly gus. i love dancing with him. but then, alas, it was time to go home.

slept like all day today i was so exhausted. and then, when i finally got cleaned up and took a shower, ready to clean and do my homework and everything, i got sick. and had to spend the rest of the day lying down because every time i moved i felt like i was going to explode. lovely, i know.

started to feel better as the evening wore on... and i got to talk to aldo, which of course helped emensley. he got his hair cut! like, normal! he has normal hair!!!! and he's growing a moustache lol. it looks really good though. he always looks really good. i love him.

and now, it's off to bed because i am exhausted and have to wake up early to go start econ tomorrow. oh joy. so excited. yeah....

yuck.

...are alpaca prouducts expensive? product? prouduct? o dear. i suck. i think my spelling is getting worse as i get older. but really, are they? it's really soft. even when it's made into wool. but, even then, it's still wool. which still irritates my skin. but that's not the point. the point is he actually thought about me and brought me back stuff. that's all very peruvian. which is awesome because i love peru, though i've never, you know, been. but i wan't to. so now i have my very own alpaca wool sweater. and an extremley soft alpaca fur bear. and this cool little andean person figurine. who looks much warmer than i feel right now, in all tis layers....... or hers. no, i think it's a he. i'm so frikking cold.

first night of dance class. very uneventful as classes go, since it was so short. but we hung around after to REALLY dance. and erica asked me if i'd be willing to be in the show at the end of the semester, if she needed someone =D yay! i feel special!!! yay! and i got to see gus. and george showed up. and jorge kept calling me haha... fun times. mary's really excited and really getting into it, which is awesome. it's so fun. george is 11 months and 2 days older than her. i looked at his liscense. i dont know why i've just told you all that. i'm in such a strange mood. maybe it's the being coldness. i think im going to take a hot bath.

senior pictures tomorrow oh yay. of course it has to be now, when i look like crap. eh, whatever. at least i'll remember myself how i really was the majority of the time in high school haha....

right. bath time.

adios amigos

holy shit. gian and i just watched the butterfly effect and... holy shit...

i dont even know what else to say about it... shit...

uh... yeah... come back, rachel, come back...

gus came home today. called me from LA at 8:45 this morning =) saw him briefly this evening, cuz george dragged him off to the allegro and i couldn't go =(

i've missed him. and it was so good to see him again and kiss him again and hear him tell me how beautiful i am (lol) and omg he's so frikkin tan. but i guess 3 weeks of surfing down by the equator will do that to you... we've decided we have to see each other every day now lol...

holy shit... still in a daze gah.....

Bold those that are true for you.

I have kissed someone....


on the cheek.

on the lips.

on their hands or fingers.

in my room.

in their room.

of the same sex.

of the opposite sex.

younger than me.

older than me.

with jet black hair.

with curly hair.

with blonde hair & blue eyes.

with flaming red hair.

with straight hair.

smaller/shorter than me.

bigger/taller than me.

with a lip ring.

with a tongue ring.

who was drunk.

who was high.

who I had just met.

who was homosexual.

who I didn't really want to kiss.

whom I met on holiday.

who was going out with someone else.

who was going out with someone close to me.

who was my good friend's brother or sister.

who had been/is in jail.

in a graveyard.

at a show/concert.

at the beach.

in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water.

who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.

with dyed hair.

with a shaved head.

who was/is my good friend.

who was/is in a band.

who has tattoos.

in the rain.

on another continent besides where I was born.

with an accent.

with an std.

on a boat.

in a car/taxi/bus.

on a plane.

at the circus/carnival.

with a missing body part.

in the movies.

woot. kissing. oh, how i miss it....

luck Y stars737: thinking is so hard without hot chocolate
orangemonkee23: :-(
luck Y stars737: maybe i'll just go buy some tomorrow
luck Y stars737: and hide it
orangemonkee23: good plan
orangemonkee23: haha
orangemonkee23: yes
luck Y stars737: in my closet
luck Y stars737: yes
luck Y stars737: good
orangemonkee23: my nose is cool
luck Y stars737: ...................................
luck Y stars737: ???
orangemonkee23: uh
orangemonkee23: cold
orangemonkee23: hahahahahahahaha
luck Y stars737: LOL
orangemonkee23: hsh
luck Y stars737: ok
orangemonkee23: fd
orangemonkee23: im laughing so hard right now
luck Y stars737: me too
orangemonkee23: it hurts!
luck Y stars737: and into the profile it goes
orangemonkee23: hahaha
orangemonkee23: my fingers! they have minds of their own!
orangemonkee23: and i didnt even like... notice that i said that haha
orangemonkee23: and i hate my nose!
luck Y stars737: don't hate your nose!
luck Y stars737: it's cool!

i know that no one reads convos but... hahaha... i hurt so bad from laughing right now hahaha

gandhi. new hero to go with che. just watched the movie for english.... damn...

favorite quote: "an eye for an eye leaves the world blind."

gah can't even say enough. this kind of stuff leaves me speechless or i jsut like... if i try to say something it comes out all jumbled and confused and it's so difficult to get it... to express...

i can't even say what i want to.

this world... i can't believe this world sometimes.... but i know that, no matter where i go in this life, i will do something to make a difference, somewhere. i will.

bleah. well, really nothing to say. scared shitless for my culinary final on thursday. (we're doing ours early) but then again, i'm always scared for culinary exams. you'd be crazy not to be.

george has been calling me a lot. get to hear about all his girl drama. over and over and over again. but that's ok i think he's lonely cuz gus is gone, tho he'd never admit that. and dear god if he ever gets a hold of this url and sees that i've said that i am dead. literally. and he'll be gentlemanly enough to have a buff female friend of his do the work so that he won't be hitting a girl.....

gus is due back next sunday. apparently, his flight comes in in the morning. so maybe we can convince him to go to the allegro that night (lol poor guy) but i miss him so much and i jsut want to dance and snog and omg i just said song without thinking about it i have been reading WAAAAAAAAAAYYY too much of some stuff lately.......

i have a headache. i think that's cuz my hair is back in a rather tight ponytail.

wow i really have nothing to say. my life is so incredibly boring.

and i still can't spell.

i will NEVER be able to spell.

gave myself a nice relaxing spa night this evening... felt rather good...

my cat is on the couch, snoring. really loud. and she's not that big. how is that possible? how can such a loud noise come from such a small creature?

wow i really have nothing to say.

am i really that boring?

dear god how painful...

must go and... find a way to make myself more interesting.....

i'm in love with jorge villamizar. i mean seriously. the man is a genius. his music... not only are the melodies absolutley gorgeous, the lyrics are breathtaking... i've teared up more than once as i listen to his songs. and his achingly sincere voice gah... all of it together just makes me want to curl up and be held tight as i float along the flashes of beautiful color and magic his music provokes in me...

i'm not trying to sound sickeningly poetic. i really react this way... i mean... granted, it's all in spanish. but that makes it all the more beautiful and flowing... really, download some of the songs and translate the lyrics then listen to the song... i dont know i can't explain it im a weirdo...

if you want, try these on, see how they feel...

(all by bacilos)
lo mismo que yo
tabacco y channel
porque brillamos****** (this one especially)
guerras perdidas
caraluna
manchados de amor

my mom just threw our christmas tree out the window.

hahaha

break's been ok. aside from all the emotional drama, i guess i could say i've had a pretty good time.

kristen's house where we played the sims for 7 hours solid. we are NOT nerds, thankyouverymuch. it's a highly educational type game thing that requires extreme thinking and noticing skills. plus rather rapid saving capabilities.

new year's party friday- saturday in which we stayed awake all night. literally. no sleep. well, i did pass out for two hours at 7:30, but other than that, nada. had a rather nice conversation with george in his cold car, watched some movies, ate some food, it was an all around good time. thank you kristen and sharon.

saw some good movies. the house of flying daggers. amazing cinematography. (did i spell that right?) same with hero, tho i watched that at home. the life aquatic is a great film... everyone should go see it now! i really want to see bad education... and, aparently, my family is going to see meet the fockers tonight.

hum... gus called from peru on wednesday =)

my mom and i went to color me mine on tuesday and i made myself a popcorn/other stuff like that bowl cuz i'm always eating when i watch tv.

oh yeah, christmas! i haven't posted about christmas yet... my brother and dad are putting up my new bed frame at this very moment. it's all swirly and pretty and i love it. other mentionable things... got several cookbooks (hooray!) several books i've wanted (hooray!) new sheets... uh... a clancy watch! and other stuff. thank you everyone =)

humhum not much to mention really. parents still anal and paranoid and going to ruin my life. what else is new? it's not THAT extreme, really. just kinda frustrating. well, more than kinda. but you get it.

happy 2005 everyone =D

new year's resolutions:
1. be more organized/neat with space/time
2. be more responsible/timely with work
3. live a little

i want to do something drastic. i want to get out of here. i can't explain it, and yet i can. every time i try for something new, make a transition, it's a battle. sure, fight for what you want in life. but fight against your parents? that can't be right. and every male in the world isn't interested in me and even if they are i'm not always interested back and even then it doesnt mean they'll do something drastic. ironic that it all happens as he's asking why i'm on medication for depression. i'm about to speak, and my father comes on the line, blaring about house rules and telling the "young man" that it's possible i won't be seeing him again and i'm underage, so think about that. wtf. george was quite nice about it all. he's really a good guy, underneath it all. and he asks why i'm depressed. let's think. where do i start. might it be because of what you've just heard? what's now made me cut again after months of not doing it... what makes me feel small and helpless and like i want to cry and have no way to defend myself and i just want to get out of here... i need to leave... goddamn car why does it have to be smashed i would so take it and go... i honestly dont know where, but so long as it's not here i dont even care. maybe i'll go to gian's for the night. he wouldn't care. he'd hold me while i cried. but i'd have to face my parents in the morning and things would only be worse. i'm so lost. and i dont know why but i've been numb to all emotion i can't explain it it's like i've got this deflective shield and it all just flashes off, i dont feel anything. even now, as i cry, there's this ache in my center that could be emotion but i can't even define it. and this is the closest i ever get, when i feel like a worthless bitch that does nothing but burden and annoy my parents. i don't get it. they want to know why i'm such a closed person. i'm not, really. just with them. and why am i closed? because i know if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like it. they wouldn't like me. and then where would i be? give it a few months, when i can legally be on my own, when i've actually finished high school. and if i have to go to extremes to pay for the cca myself, so be it. but at least i can be me without fear.

gah i feel sick. i've had too much chocolate. i'm in that mood though. that bleah kinda i want sweet mood. and im so bored.... i'm always bored... have civics to do but... gah...

gus should have landed in peru by now. i'm so jealous. it's warm there. it's not here there. lucky bastard. i miss him.

i've been sleeping almst all day. i wont be able to sleep tonight.

i just took a shower like an hour ago. i think i'm going to take a bath now.

well. i feel shitty. everyone who was supposed to do something with me tonight totally bailed. so i'm stuck at home alone with my parents. again. for the millionth time. i'm so sick of this. i mean, i'm finally putting myself out there and trying to do stuff and i'm still ending up at home miserable.

and gus. he's leaving for peru tomorrow. until the 16. and he only spent an hour and a half, then left to go with george to his brother's birthday party. what the heck. i mean. ok. that sounds selfish. they're best friends. but they also work together and practically live together and see each other every day. i, on the other hand, do not have that benefit. whatever im so full of shit.

i'm just so lonely. and i'm tired of being lonely.

well. crazy turn of events these past few days.

first, i'd like to thank all of you for being so sweet and supportive. you really made me feel good and loved and lucky to have so many great friends. and i made it through a tough time ok. in record time lol.

just so everyone knows, (cuz i know you all want to) i've decided aldo and i need to take a break. i know that seems crazy after everything, but part of him coming was so i could know, you know? where i wanted it all to go? (hee it rhymes) but now he's not coming and i don't know and i can't take another year, or possibly longer, like this. so yes. time on my own. but not entirely alone.... (another rhyme. i am a genius)

i got in a car accident yesterday. wont go into details. rear ended someone. in a truck. so he came away totally unscathed, while my car, on the other hand, is like... yeah... the hood is like... bent in half. you cant even open it. the radiator is cracked. the headlights are like... hanging off the sides... not good.... i'm ok though. which is the important thing (according to my parents) my neck's just a little tight, but i'm stressed anyway. and my collar bone is bruised from the seatbelt. other than that i'm just my peachy little self.....

but now i have no clue how we're all going to get to the allegro tomorrow... hopefully mary will be willing to drive. i need to call her. gah. and george can't go cuz he has to work and so now gus can't go cuz he has no ride and he gets off at 4 and i can't pick him up cuz i have no car and even if i could get someone to take me to get him, where would we go for two hours? it's not like i can take him home. gah. so complicated. but gus has to go. we all have to go. i insist!

i'm sad dance is over. i had such an awesome time. even if i am the youngest person of the people i ended up hanging out with... (they're all like... mostly 20-21 and older lol) the guys took me to denny's tuesday night. and let's jsut say... i was with george and gustavo and some people last night. sorry christie and cody for the confusion on the phone! it's complicated. ask and i'll tell you later lol... i'm such an idiot sometimes...

ok so yes. tired. really should sleep.

massage monday nugggh so happy.......

miss kristen =(

night.

well, there you have it. looks like i'll be spending this christmas alone.

any suggestions on what to do with my life?

... i am strangely calm. after a weekend of making myself sick with worry, i sit here, waiting, the last half hour i'll have to wait... and i'm calm.

well, comparitivley. there's nothing more i can do at this point. he's sitting in that office right now. literally. well, maybe not as you read but definetely as i write. and yeah. that's it. this is it.

*sigh*

i've barely slept all night. tried to sleep at 1:45, and drifted in and out till 5:30, constantly staring at the clock as i woke and quickly figuring out what time it is there and what he'd be doing at that moment.

and now, julius caesar distracts me. before, it was baking. which worked quite well AND was quite productive. despite the burns lol. now, it's homework. that's one way to get it done finally lol....

my head hurts. no matter what he says when he comes on line in half an hour, i need a serious massage.

Instructions: Take this list of authors, remove those whose efforts do not grace your shelves, and bring the list up to ten by adding some more that do. New paragraph indicates newly-added authors.

J.K. Rowling
William Shakespeare
Charles Dickens
C S Lewis

Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Tamora Pierce
Jane Austen
Joanne Harris
Lian Hearn
Barbara Kingsolver